Dancing with the Devil:
Taking Big Leaps of Faith
“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned so as to accept the Life that is waiting for us.” ~ Joseph Campbell
As a Psychotherapist, Spiritual Midwife, an emerging Tantrika I tell my clients this sentiment all of the time. “This is your One Life, Go For it!!! Do it!!!! The World will change when you change. What are you waiting for?” And so forth. Have I been courageous in my Life? Have I taken great leaps of faith? Absolutely!! And to be honest, never have I regretted those leaps of Faith in the long run, even if I fell down a cliff, I usually landed in the beautiful flow of the river of life which took me right where I needed to be.
However, the very nature of being a psychotherapist, ironically, can be one of stagnation. It is essential to be solid, firm, stable and “there.” A calm in the storm of the sometimes wild and unstable rollercoaster ride of clients’ lives. I love being a calm in the storm, having a solid foundation… and yet, I also am naturally drawn towards growth. And growth often requires pain, and causes disruption, like a blossoming seed bursting through the Earth.
A couple of years ago a strong pull began to emerge in me… a pull so strong and magnetic that meant I must expand, I must grow and explore at all costs… no matter what. That pull, that ever growing whisper inside grew louder and louder and as I listened and followed… it has taken me on the most magnificent of adventures. And it keeps calling me to take a step aside and discover my own unique path. This journey has brought unfathomable revelations, many of them chaotic and extremely painful.
I have also made some of the greatest most humbling mistakes in my life since listening to that voice, and every time this happens I want to turn back and run away, go back to the straight and narrow “Safe path,” and yet the growth and lessons learned are undeniable. I would say in the last year I have been scorched and shaped into a much deeper truer raw authentic human being through these fires of painful lessons…. It is the Alchemy of the Soul, of the Philosopher’s Stone, of turning lead into Gold.“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain. Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven? And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?” ~ Kahlil Gibran
Who does not want to contain more joy, to play ever more beautiful music? And so, yesterday, I took an even further step in continuing this journey more deeply into my magical and mystical life. I have felt as if I have been living in two worlds, one bound by rules, regulations and red tape of the Matrix we have all bought into. And yes, there are reasons for rules and regulations, of course; and boundaries are needed often in order to feel safe. Yet as I have grown and expanded into larger playing fields, I realize the game that I am playing requires a larger playing field. And so I closed one door so that I could open another and step onto that larger playing field. I am consciously choosing the path of a magical life, “listen to the signs”, dance with the Angels, so to speak, because I realize that walking in both worlds has been hurting my Soul and does not allow for the full Spiritual access to open for me that I am seeking. I feel if I jump into one world with both feet for now, and open up to the gifts in that realm, I will be better able to walk in both worlds in balance. What path am I stepping on to, you ask? Well more on that to come! For now, I’d like to simply share what begins to happen when we say “YES!” to that little voice.
In leaving one identity, the ego screams and kicks to the bitter end. Don’t’ worry, it’s doing it’s job! We must speak to the ego and Doubting Mind as we would a child, reassuring it that all is well, all will be ok, even if the path rears too far off the road, there are always ways onto other paths. And as I shared this decision with my supervisor who has seen me struggle with this calling last several months, I said, “I am terrified! I might be making the biggest mistake of my Life! I know that this could all just be the Devil in Disguise.”
His answer, exactly what I needed to hear, “Well, then it’s best to go right up to that Devil and look him in the eyes, face it now.” Perfect, he’s right.
When I began this journey, it was the allure of Tantra ( the Left Handed Path) that captured my Heart, Body and Soul… I always knew that was my path of Awakening. And in that calling I dove into the Mysteries of the Divine Feminine so that I could truly know all the depths of my Self as Woman embodied, for only then could I truly dance with Masculine, my Other,.. my God. I went through a process of Initiation like none I could have possibly imagined and in that became an Ordained Priestess. This was a declaration to the Universe, to the Mother, Goddess, Creator Herself that I was Ready, I was Ready to step onto the path of Awakening. I was ready to heal the split, the wound of Separation and come back to Union. I had terror, yet I knew I had to open this door… I admit now, however, I did not completely understand all that would encompass. Along with the magic, fun and Divine Adventures, there have been tricks and tests along the way, and many days I just want it to stop and I want to go back to before I ever listened to that voice, answered that call to Wake Up! And not go back to sleep. Yet how could I sit there and tell my clients to follow their passion and Live to their full potential when there was a passion I was denying myself. So here I am… one door closing.
“Make no mistake about it – enlightenment is a destructive process. It has nothing to do with becoming better or being happier. Enlightenment is the crumbling away of untruth. It’s seeing through the facade of pretense. It’s the complete eradication of everything we imagined to be true.” – Adyashanti
When we say “Yes!” The Universe responds. I always notice when I say Yes to my Heart, to my Soul…. the world becomes magic, as if walking into the world of Harry Potter and signs are everywhere, colors and magical glitters of startdust clues gently dropped along our way leading us to our Destination.
The morning I “closed one door,” I walked into my office and the only mail in my inbox was my monthly “Psychology Today.” What was the headline?
“REINVENT YOURSELF: How to Plan Your Next Act”
Perfect…. It’s what I have been saying about this impending move I’ve longed to make the last several months. Thank you, Universe.
Later that day, after making my exit plans… I step out to eat. Another change I have made in my magical life recently is letting go of alcohol. I wish to be in my magical life with all my senses heightened, fully alert and intact. When we really start living, we want to be fully present and awake… not miss a single precious moment. I have been practicing this in the way of a Tantric term, “Tapas” which can be simply put as resisting our unconscious impulses. We practice “tapas” both to become more conscious and to generate “spanda”, a universal vibrational energy associated with consciousness. “Spanda” literally means “to throb with life.”
Yet rather than this practice feeling ‘restrictive ,‘ it is held lightly as an experiment. We simply observe and are curious, “what would it be like to not engage in this habit?” This approach is proving to work very well me.
Well, on this particular day of taking that leap of faith, there I was in one of my favorite restaurants and suddenly I had an impulse to indulge in a Divine top shelf margarita on the rocks, yes salt! One of my ‘previous life’ delights. I sat with it, examined this impulse consciously with curiosity… my body said a true“Yes,” not a mere habitual Yes. While savoring the delectable nectar of tequila, lime, agave and salt on ice (it had been months since I’d enjoyed one), I opened up a book I’d been loving. What popped out on that page had me laugh so hard I almost fell off of my stool. I read about Ikkyu Sojun, a fifteenth century Japanese Zen Buddhist Master, an unorthodox rather scandalous renegade of his times, a Holy Man who loved women and Sake. The following paragraph is what really got my attention:
Ikkyu railed against overzealous ideas of self-conduct and any beliefs or traditions that he felt stagnated authentic spiritual experience. At one time, he even burnt his “inka” a written statement from his previous teacher confirming his enlightenment – a shocking and risky move because Zen Masters needed this statement to be recognized as teachers and to attracts students. After Ikkyu burnt his “proof of enlightenment,” he sauntered off to the nearest bar. (Belch).
– Sera Beak, Red Hot and Holy
REALLY??? That is the first page I read after officially giving a big “F YOU” to the “Licensed” path of a psychotherapist, burning up my ‘papers’… answering the call of my “Truth Ache.”
“ Truth Ache- a nudging sense of falsity, a palpable hunger for true-path. A truth ache is what we experience internally when we are not honoring our divine purpose or simply living a lie in relationships or other areas of our life. “ ~ Jeff Brown
The next morning I woke up fresh with floods of ideas… classes and workshops to offer, unique programs with my Beloved new business partner to offer to REALLY help people transform their lives in ways I haven’t heard of before, books I long to write, stories to share, Ancient forgotten Mysteries to teach… and so much more. We close one door, another one opens.
Thank you, Divine Mother, thank you, Universe!!! Thank you Magical Winks from the Divine, as Sera Beak would call them. And so I am off to live my full potential in my mystical magical life… and I just can’t wait to discover all the treasures that lay waiting for me on that journey to the Emerald City.
What great adventure in your life is your Heart and Soul just begging for you to begin? And if not now, when???
What Magical Doorway is calling for you to step through?
Many Blessings to you on your path… more to come from the adventures on my new path…
Nadine Keller, Mistress of Mysteries
Dream Weaver, Magic Maker, Sacred Initiatrix, Maverick, Trail Blazer, Troublemaker, Boo Boo Healer and so so so much more
“But if a person has had the sense of the Call — the feeling that there’s an adventure for him — and if he doesn’t follow that, but remains in the society because it’s safe and secure, then life dries up. And then he comes to that condition in late middle age: he’s gotten to the top of the ladder, and found that it’s against the wrong wall.
If you have the guts to follow the risk, however, life opens, opens, opens up all along the line. I’m not superstitious, but I do believe in spiritual magic, you might say. I feel that if one follows what I call one’s bliss — the thing that really gets you deep in your gut and that you feel is your life — doors will open up. They do! They have in my life and they have in many lives that I know of.” -Joseph Campbell