“Even in childhood, one of our greatest wounds was when we felt as though our mother or father didn’t see us for who we really were. For fear of re-experiencing that wound, we spend our whole lives trying to distort and abandon who we are to get the love and approval we’re so hungry for. We come to believe that we are unlovable as our authentic self.”
Check out this fabulous article from SIX SENSORY LIVING by SONIA CHOQUETTE
In truth, what all human beings really want in a relationship is to have someone witness us accurately…to really see who we are at our deepest, most authentic level. This yearning draws us to other people time and again. And that’s also the heartbreak we experience when relationships don’t work out. We feel unseen, unacknowledged, and misunderstood.
Even in childhood, one of our greatest wounds was when we felt as though our mother or father didn’t see us for who we really were. For fear of re-experiencing that wound, we spend our whole lives trying to distort and abandon who we are to get the love and approval we’re so hungry for. We come to believe that we are unlovable as our authentic self.
Instead of being who we are, and being seen for who we are, we hide in plane site like a chameleon, blending in with what we think everyone else wants from us. We become so good at hiding and blending in that we actually lose track of our authentic self. We forget and end up feeling lost and anchorless.
So, what do we do about it?
Developing our intuitive eye is key to turning our gaze inward and finding what we’ve lost. Being able to work with the deeper awareness helps us develop and create the kind of relationships that are so fulfilling, nurturing and uplifting. Being able to see our authentic self also allows us to see others with a clearer gaze. If we can use that intuitive eye to see another accurately, they feel deeply loved; freed from the game of hide-and-seek they’ve been playing all their lives. That will open their heart even more and drop their defenses. That will help them completely avail themselves to us.
So, how do we start clearing the air?
The ability to look with authentic eyes that starts first with our remembering and seeing ourselves accurately. That means recognizing our conscious intelligence and developing a clear understanding of who we authentically are.
- Know yourself.
- Know what’s good about you.
- Know what’s true about you and be a witness to that.
For example, I know that I am a wonderful spirit and a good teacher. I know that my intention in every relationship is to uplift. I know that I am very interested in others, that I have a healing quality and that I have an ability to clear the fog. In knowing that about me, I am being my authentic self, which allows me to see in another person, who they really are, as well. It allows me to not project all of my disowned experiences onto someone else.
Acknowledge what you know to be true about yourself, that you don’t need anybody to tell you. You know if you’re a healer, you know if you’re grounding, youknow if you’re available, you know if you are uplifting, you know if you have a creative energy, you know if you bring affection and love and music and care, youknow who you are…perhaps you’re just not in the habit of acknowledging it.
Next: Write it down. Watch how your own energy expands, amplifies and opens the more you know who you are the more you witness yourself accurately. From that place, use your spirit, your intuitive eye, and your inner vision to look at the people in your life in a more profound way than ever before. Do you see them? What about their deep authentic nature have you not bore witness to?
For example, I had a conversation with a client of mine. She said,
“When I first met my husband and we were just beginning to date he told me that he had a dream to go to Harvard and I dismissed it. I didn’t want to see that dream; I said that was a ridiculous dream because I didn’t want to see him for who he was for fear that that meant he would not be who I wanted him to be.”
Well needless to say we got divorced.
“Do you know the first thing he did after our divorce? He went to Harvard and he loved it and he graduated and then he got married and he is being that person with his new wife and I don’t blame him because I wasn’t able or even-and here’s the important thing-willing to see him for who he was.”
If you want to have the kind of relationships in your life that really work, it’s so important to start practicing using your inner eye to see. Can you see their talent? Can you see their creativity? Can you see their dreams and can you support them, even if you don’t necessarily see where you fit in to them?
I had a client yesterday who said,
“I see your music. I knew I was a musician as a child, but my parents discouraged it. I never did pursue my music. I always felt that to do so would be somehow bad.”
What a tragedy! His whole life, there is a whole piece of him that wasn’t witnessed and he suffered for it. When you witness someone and you use your intuition to look for and acknowledge their gifts, you are being a loving person. You are being someone who is relating at the highest level.
But, you can’t do that unless you start with yourself. What do you need to witness in you that you’re not acknowledging? Are you a musician? You forgot to be a musician, you forgot to play music but you really have music in your heart? Are you a poet, a writer, a creative, a dancer, an adventurer? Witness yourself and start living that.
There are many indigenous cultures who, when they greet each other say, “I see you,” and it’s such welcome and a joyful witnessing.
Try that this week, I see you, I see your spirit, I see your gifts, I see your goodness, I see your talents, I see your dreams and I support them.
Part A: I see you.
Part B: I support them.
If you’re having trouble in a relationship this could very well be one of the reasons. First, start in the mirror and do go to a mirror. I see you. What are the facets in you that you are not witnessing? Write it down, say it out loud and start comfortably acknowledging and living that again. With every relationship in your life, practice seeing their more authentic spirit. Not just the role they play in your life or the one you want them to play. Start doing this with everyone and you’re going to feel a real miracle happen very quickly in the world of your relationships.